Cracking

I feel like I'm going to break. I have so many emotions swimming around in my head now and I'm not really sure what to do with all of them.

I'm really looking forward to our next adventure. I'm excited to move and I'm reeaallly excited to find a place to call home. Coming into this, we thought we'd only be "homeless" for a couple of months. When it's all said and done it will be a year.

I feel like we've had to put our entire lives on hold for that year. I feel like we haven't been a real married couple and a real family. It's hard to have any conversation without someone seemingly hanging on your every word. It's hard to get into a routine when you have to follow the one already set by the household. It's hard to be yourself sometimes even when it is just family around.

I feel like I'm going to go nuts over the money issue. Overall, we've done really well. We've basically lived off of our savings and extra money we earned from moving for this year. We're at the point where that money is almost gone and I'm worried how we're going to make it through September, let alone set up a new home. On one hand, I am thankful that we really beefed up our savings when we had the opportunity. On the other, I am just raging mad that that money is gone. We had a decent down payment saved. It's gone.

I want to have a wonderful birthday for Alex, even though I know he doesn't know the difference. I don't want him to have to go without. I think any parent can relate to that. That goes for just about everything, not just birthday parties.

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of too. I am constantly cleaning up other people's messes and washing other people's clothes. It gives me something to do but I hate that it feels like it's expected. Is it so hard to take the trash out or wipe the counter off after you make breakfast or lunch for yourself? I only wish I could be a fly on the wall after we leave. Then, and only then, will everyone realize just how good they had it.

I'm bubbling with excitement, sad that Chris is leaving, worried about money, frustrated with our situation and hurt by my family. I wish that is was all just a dream and I'd wake up tomorrow in our new home.