Plans Change

It has been quite some time since I've been able to carve enough time out of my day to post. A LOT has changed since my last entry.

I fell off the workout wagon. With Daddy needing to workout "more than me", I let him do the nap time workout and I used the time to do things like laundry and dishes. At least I wasn't sitting around but it's not what I had been doing previously.

Daddy was doing an amazing job with his weight loss. He dropped nine pounds in about two weeks. Men... ;) If I had exercised and eaten like him, my wrists would have gotten smaller but that's about it.

The amazing weight loss crusade has been laid to rest though. We've decided to go in yet another direction. Surprise!

After double checking some information with a recruiter in Alaska, Chris learned of the possibility of Reserve recruiting. This option is very similar to the Active Duty recruiting with the main difference being there is no weight requirement since he's already IN the Reserves. Yay!
The local AD Recruiter, of course, never mentioned this option because he didn't want to "lose" Chris as a possible recruit. That's completely understandable from his perspective but I still think he should have given Chris ALL of his options considering he knew the situation with the Reserves, etc. ANYwho...

We've started the paperwork process yet again. It was just lucky that he had his monthly UTA this past weekend so he was able to speak with the recruiter there and start gathering paperwork and having letters of recommendation written.

It'll be another few weeks before the package is sent and approved but at least the process has been started. The only really bad thing about this (either option really) is that the April class is full so he has to wait until JUNE to leave.

Yes, you heard right. That means we're "stuck" here until mid July before the possibility of a move. Like I said, it's a light at the end of the tunnel but I never expected us to be here for so long.

Outside the Bubble

The path that our lives has taken isn't what we ever imagined. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I just have a hard time letting my plan go. I'm learning to "go with the flow" more each day but I still struggle with one thing.

I don't belong here.

I was beyond excited when we were moving home. I've always felt guilty that my grandmother never met Bubba until he was over a year old. I know that it wasn't my fault and she is by no means upset with us but I still feel guilty.
I was so excited to be home among our families and friends. I couldn't wait to catch up with the girls-go shopping, out to lunch, girls night in (or out)...

I'm struggling because it never happens. I know that everyone has their own lives and families to take care of. At the same time I feel like I'm slipping away from my closest friends. The excitement has faded and the promises to get together have stopped coming in. I feel like I've lost touch with the people that I thought I'd never lose touch with.

I have no one to call when there's good news. I have no one to call when nap time rolls around and I just feel like chatting with a girlfriend to pass the afternoon. The two people that I felt like I could share anything with are thousands of miles away. They're just waking up and making breakfast when I'm eating lunch.

Last night I talked to one of those good friends for quite a while (closed in the bathroom so I wouldn't wake the rest of the house with my late night conversation LOL). She's always been the voice of reason for me.
She said this:
"It's hard when you grow up in a small town and none of your family of friends never leave. We left. We've met so many different people from so many different walks of life! It's hard to go back to that small town where no one or nothing ever changes and try to fit in. You just can't live in a little bubble anymore because you've actually seen the world."

I may like to think that I'm the same person that I was when we packed that U-Haul and left Albion in November of 2001 but I'd be fooling myself. I've changed. I've heard stories that no one would believe and I've had experiences that no one would understand...unless you've been there too.

I'm not in that military bubble right now. I may have desperately wanted to pop that bubble a year ago but now I can't wait to get back inside.

Waiting is Hard to Do

I've always been a fairly impatient person.

From a young age I had an ear for music so my parents started me with some piano lessons. I only took them for a couple of years because I "got bored". I didn't want to spend time plunking out one note at a time! I wanted to play like Mozart...now!
When it comes to an idea for a project, etc. I don't like to waste time waiting around. I like to go and get what I need so I can start right away.

You get my point.

I never imagined that we'd literally have to wait for Daddy to lose a few pounds before we could move on with our lives. Never. I know that having him gone for six weeks is going to be tough but I wish he was leaving tomorrow. That would mean that we were going to be able to move on.

Things aren't turning out the way I had imagined at all. I know that this path was chosen for us long before we even realized it and I know that it's going to work out far better than we could have ever planned. That's the beauty of it. ;) It's just so hard waiting to see what's down the road.

I am so anxious to get out of here! I know that the grass is always greener and I'll be homesick two weeks after leaving but I'm still ready. I think we're all at the point where we have come to realize that family is wonderful but sometimes they're so much more wonderful when you can come to visit.

Please say a prayer and think positive thoughts for us. We're really stuck in limbo more now than we ever have been. Please pray that Daddy will say safe and healthy as he loses a few pounds and please say a prayer for patience for everyone in this house.

A Light

I am so happy to say that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel we've been living in.

We have been talking quite a bit recently about which path to take and it looks like we got our answer today. I said a prayer last night for God to lead us in the right direction. God is good.

As most of you know, Daddy has been struggling to find a job since October. I'm not joking when I say that he has nearly TWO HUNDRED applications out there floating around. Sure, we've gotten phone calls but most of them are dead ends.
About a month ago I suggested that if we didn't have any job prospects by the middle of March that we consider going back to active duty (EXACTLY what we DIDN'T want to have to do.)

This morning Daddycalled the Air Force recruiting office in Erie to ask some questions about the process of re-entering after separating and joining the Reserves. The phone call was really only to gather information so that we were armed when it came time to make our decision. As it turns out there are no openings for his career field on the active duty side. It is very seriously over-manned, etc., etc., etc. This means that if he wanted to go back to active duty he'd have to cross-train into another field and *fingers crossed* try to get something that he was interested in.

Then the guy mentioned that there were recruiting positions available.
This was absolutely not something he had ever considered.

After a long talk we've decided that this is best for us right now. When we left Alaska in August we had now way of knowing that the economy would take such a severe nose dive. (Plus, most of Alaska is isolated from the horrible economy. Things really aren't that bad there.) We can't live here forever and, as it stands now, we have no prospects and no end in sight.

Today there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once he is trained we'll be able to choose where we'd like to be (from a list of available openings). This is the complete opposite of being "regular" active duty and not really having a say in where you go (even though they like you to think you do).
This is exactly what we need right now. He'll have a stable Monday through Friday job with no weekends and no possibility of deploying. We'll receive BAH and BAS and we'll be on the same pay scale as before. (Which is, quite frankly, more than we're making now...which is NOTHING!)
We'll be able to purchase a home with confidence that his job will be there in a week. In this economy, this is what we need.


So we start the process today. I'm not sure how long it will take to do the paperwork (and for Daddy to work off the 20 pounds he's gained LOL) but we have a plan.

And having a plan is good.

Tag, I'm it!

I've been tagged! List seven facts about yourself the tag your friends and ask them to do the same!

Ok...

1. I GOT MARRIED WHEN I WASN'T EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO LEGALLY ENJOY A TOAST AT THE RECEPTION (I WAS ONLY 20)

2. I HAVEN'T LIVED AT HOME SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD (NEARLY TEN YEARS AGO) BUT I FIND MYSELF STUCK HERE FOR THE TIME BEING

3. I'M NOT NAMED AFTER ANYONE IN MY FAMILY

4. MY TOENAILS ARE PAINTED AT ALL TIMES

5. SOMETIMES I WISH DADDY WAS STILL IN THE MILITARY

6. I HAVE GRAY HAIR

7. WE SWITCHED TO CLOTH DIAPERS WHEN BUBBA WAS JUST A FEW MONTHS OLD AND I LOOOOOOVE IT!!

Now tag your friends!

Christa at http://quintooples.blogspot.com
Shannon at http://whyareyoustaring.blogspot.com
The other two people I wanted to tag have already been tagged so... Guess I need more friends? LOL

Another Stroll Down Memory Lane

It's Wednesday again. Time for a little walk.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about how Daddy and I met (the short version). This week I'm going to revel in the five years of marriage before Bubba joined us.

Like most new brides, I was looking forward to the day when we'd start our family. Daddy had only one year left on his current enlistment so we decided to wait until we got settled somewhere.
That year rolled around and we decided that we really didn't have anything saved so we COULD leave the military. On May 6, 2002 he re-enlisted for five years.

Little did I know the ride of my life was going to start soon.

Statistics show that about one in three couples struggle with infertility. Let me tell you something. When you're the one struggling it's reeeally hard to find those other people. At my lowest point, I was friends with four other pregnant women. Everywhere I looked there was a growing tummy. It was a constant reminder. Add to that a friend who was going through an unplanned pregnancy and contemplating adoption and I was a wreck! (I thought, "She doesn't WANT to keep her baby and all I can think about is how I can't have one!")

I saw the doctor but never mentioned our desire to have a baby. I was just scared of what I might hear. I wasn't emotionally ready to hear that I'd never be able to be pregnant. I guess I thought suffering in silence left that little glimmer of hope.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, as you know. In August of 2004 Daddy left for Korea. I moved home to spend the year with family instead of living in Texas alone. I was able to concentrate on things other than babies. (I suppose when your husband isn't around and having a baby isn't even a possibility, it lightens the burden some.) When that year was over we headed to Alaska. I had had some time to do some serious soul searching and I was ready to do what had to be done.

A couple of different doses of Metformin proved to be unsuccessful. Next came an ultrasound that diagnosed polycystic ovaries. After that was an endometrial biopsy and, finally a round of Provera. There was talk of Clomid and checking for blockages in my fallopian tubes. Thankfully, the Provera was all that was needed.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had done that waaay back when but then I realize that God knew what he was doing. (DUH!)
If I had gotten pregnant right away, we wouldn't have been in a good place financially.
If I had gotten pregnant late in 2003, we would have found out soon after that Daddy was leaving for Korea.
If I had already been pregnant in 2004, I would have had to deliver a baby or care for a baby (or both) by myself for a year.
In the end, December of 2006 was the perfect time.

I wouldn't wish fertility problems on my worst enemy. Imagine wanting nothing more than to have a child with your husband but you can't. You feel broken. You feel like less of a woman because you can't do something that "everyone" else can. You feel like a failure.
It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world.

Looking back now I honestly wouldn't change a thing. That sounds completely crazy after the last paragraph but it's true. Dealing with something like that can make or break a marriage and I'm happy to say we made it. Now I'm thankful for the five years we had as just us. We can never get those years back now that we're Mommy and Daddy.

I've Come to Realize...

This "down time" has really put things into perspective for me.

I've come to realize that while I absolutely love being closer to friends and family, there comes a time when a space of your own is worth more than words can say.

I've come to realize that even though it's WONDERFUL to have your husband around to help out and to spend quality time with your son, it's also a true test of wills at times.

I've come to realize that your way may not necessarily be better than your mother's but you sure like your way a whole lot more!

I've come to realize that when you finally do get a chance to see your old friends, some of them won't be as you remembered. Maybe it's YOU that's not the same but, either way, someone is different.

I've come to realize that even just a part time night job makes people think that you're less of a "loser".

I've come to realize that some people can really make you feel bad for decisions that you've made.

I've come to realize that you can't always plan for the future. You're not the one writing the story!

I've come to realize that the little quirks your family has will be more annoying than the big ones.

I've come to realize that there will always be someone that doesn't understand your choices. And THAT'S OK.

I've come to realize that warm country sunshine can do wonders for the soul.

I've come to realize that just because you've known someone since kindergarten that doesn't mean they know you best.

I've come to realize that you can buy a can of soup, you can literally hide that can of soup in the pantry but when you want to eat said can of soup, it'll be gone.

I've come to realize a lot of things.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be married for nearly eight years with a toddler and living with my parents. Never.

I know that this is just a bump in the road and that when we get to where we're supposed to be, it will all make sense.

I know that I will enjoy coming home to visit that much more because we won't be living here.

I know that I'll appreciate the home that we'll have and the space that we'll share.

I know I'll be even more thankful for my wonderful husband.

I know I'll wish all of the friends that have changed so much were closer again.

I know I'll make new friends and have new experiences that will ultimately change me...again.

I know that after weeks of long hours at work, I'll wish Chris just had that part time job again.

I know that I'll find myself feeling lonely without a houseful of "extra" people.

I know there will be times when I wish there were someone to share the cooking and cleaning chores with.

I know I'll find myself homesick sometimes, especially if we live far away again.

I know all of this will make me a better person.